The No Contact Approach To Getting Back With Your Ex
When you get dumped, it's only natural to react. You'll want to see your ex... talk to them... you'll think that if you can only somehow get through to your boyfriend or girlfriend you'll eventually say that one magical thing that will cause them to fly right back in your arms again.
Contacting your ex too soon.
This however, is your biggest problem. Because when someone first breaks up with you, the last thing they want in the whole world is to see you, hear from you, or be chased after by you.
Initially, your ex is going to duck and cover. As soon as he or she drops the bomb, your ex will want to get as far from you as possible. They've already felt enough pressure to want to end your relationship, and they'll be looking forward to some time alone and some room to breathe.
Here's where most people make the biggest mistakes while trying to win back an ex boyfriend or girlfriend. These mistakes come back to haunt them later on, destroying their chances of reconciliation.
Breaking up is a traumatic event. Right now you're hurt, lonely, and scared. You feel your relationship crumbling away, minute by minute, hour by hour. You feel like you need to do something - anything - to force your lover change to his or her mind.
Forcing your ex to want you back however, is an impossibility. Instead of concentrating solely on your own needs (i.e. reversing your breakup), it's more important to try and focus on what's going to actually help the situation. And right now, giving your ex some space is actually the best way to get them back... it'll create distance and longing, and over time, will make your ex miss you.
Putting Yourself In Your Ex's Shoes
Time for a mental exercise. Let's take a step back and examine your breakup from the outside. Your boyfriend/girlfriend has broken off the relationship, and they've made it clear that you should go your separate ways. As they walk away, your ex is also lonely. Your ex is also somewhat dejected. Because even though your ex is the one who wanted to break up in the first place, you also need to realize that this person is going through much the same feelings and emotions that you are.
Now, try to imagine being in your ex's shoes. You look back at the remains of your past relationship and you're nostalgic but firm. You want to move forward, and you want a fresh start. Whatever happened to split you up, you just don't feel the same way as you did at the beginning of the relationship.
You're looking to hang with your friends, see your family, and try to forget things for a while. The only problem? Your phone keeps ringing. Your email inbox is filled with messages. And hey, was that your ex who just drove by your house to see if you were still home? Why can't they leave you alone?
These are the things that will actually drive your ex away from you. The above actions might seem geared toward letting your boyfriend or girlfriend know just how much you care, but in actuality you're creating a very bad situation. Your ex will be annoyed, angry, and even insulted that you just can't leave them alone. Even worse, you'll start looking desperate and pitiful. Which will lead to the following scenario in your ex's head:
Once your ex starts feeling this way, it's very hard to reverse the situation. You've lost most of the respect your boyfriend or girlfriend once had for you, and getting that respect back is impossible through lack of contact. Here's where you'll make even bigger mistakes, because as you feel your ex getting more and more distant you'll start trying harder and harder. You'll push and push until your ex screams at you to go away, which is both embarrassing and detrimental to getting back together again.
Using the Opposite Situation To Get Opposite Results
Okay, now that you've seen the worst-case scenario, let's talk about what you can do to get your ex back.
Imagine the break up going down the exact same way, but instead of constantly calling and contacting your boyfriend or girlfriend you actually walk completely away. You throw your phone over your shoulder, disconnect your answering machine, pull the plug on your internet connection, and head on out to have some fun with your friends.
Getting back in your ex's shoes, they'll be pretty surprised not to hear from you. Their phone isn't ringing, and there aren't any last-minute text-messages from you either. Their email inbox is empty, with not a single letter of regret. Logging on to Facebook they find that you haven't even logged on at all - instead of jumping on to change your relationship status (or check up on theirs) it seems like your'e wholly and completely unconcerned by any of these things.
Days go by, and still the same: silence, lack of communication, and NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER.
So what goes on in your ex boyfriend or girlfriend's head? Lots of things, actually. Because even though you might think they're no longer paying attention to you, your ex fully expects to hear from or even see you in the days and weeks following the breakup.
Despite their words and actions, your ex expects you to write notes, love letters, text-messages, emails... he or she has been bracing themselves for all this contact that hasn't even come. This puts them off their game, but most of all it creates an atmosphere of loneliness. It makes your ex actually feel rejected, abandoned, and somewhat unloved.
Believe it or not your ex will actually start to get worried when they don't hear from you. Not worried for your safety either, but worried for their own ego. Understand that your boyfriend/girlfriend was looking forward to losing you gradually, little by little, over time. This allows them to let go of your relationship piece by piece, and to see where you are (and what you're doing) during the whole time you're apart.
Instead, it seems to your ex like you've dropped completely off the planet. He or she has NO idea where you are. As far as they're concerned, you could be happily moving on with someone else. This will drive your ex crazy with curiosity, and even better, will cause them to reach out and check to see what you've been up to since the break up.
Suddenly, your ex's own relationship is in jeopardy! Up until now, your boyfriend or girlfriend felt confident in the knowledge they could get you back. But now... things are different. There's a huge measure of uncertainty surrounding where you went and what you're actually doing.
This is what will make your ex want you back. We all want the things we just can't have... and the more we can't have them, the more valuable they become.
Making Your Ex Miss You by Creating a Void in His or Her Life
Remember all the good times you had together, and all the wonderful memories you shared with your ex? Dating someone creates lasting impressions as you each become a part of each others' lives. This is important, because when you break up your ex is in a much worse position than you even realize. There's a giant vacant hole in this person's life that used to be filled by you... and now that hole is suddenly empty.
missing you until you've gone away.
Calling, texting, emailing, stopping by or showing up to see your ex... these things are counterproductive because they FILL that void. They make your ex realize they can move on without you, and give your boyfriend or girlfriend a sense of accomplishment. Contacting your ex after they've dumped you is always going to prolong your breakup. And in some cases it can damage your chances past the point of no return, making it next to impossible to get your ex back.
You'll read a lot about the no contact rule for a very important reason: it works. Breaking contact and refusing to communicate after the breakup is one of the most effective ways to get your exboyfriend or exgirlfriend interested in you all over again.
And what do you do during the no contact phase? What should you be working on while you're trying to make your ex miss you? Be sure to check out these techniques. Once you've mastered the right approach, getting your ex to want you back becomes a thousand times easier.
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