Getting Back Together After Your Ex Caught You Cheating
Fighting breaks up more relationships than anything else. Cheating however, destroys relationships in a more permanent way, and does a lot more long-term damage to any future you might have with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
If your lover caught you cheating, things are pretty bad. Chances are good they immediately broke up with you, ending the relationship in one of the worst possible ways.
As bad as it is to picture you in bed with someone else, it's the loss of trust that really takes its toll on your now ex boyfriend or girlfriend. The lying and betrayal hurts more than just about anything else.
The good news however, is that even after you've cheated the relationship can still be saved. You probably already know of a few people who took an ex lover back after being cheated on, despite their better judgment.
The problem though, is staying together after cheating has affected the relationship. It's been proven that people can get over the physical or sexual aspects of infidelity... it's the lack of trust that erodes away the future relationship. These couples break up not because one of them cheated, but because one of them believes they can never trust the other person again. The romance is already dead before it's even given a chance to heal.
The Five Stages of Getting Your Ex Back After Cheating
If you cheated on your ex, you probably think you deserve to lose them. In some respects, you might be right. But in the event you really do love your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, and your unfaithfulness was honestly nothing more than a huge mistake? There are methods and techniques you can use to get your ex to take you back, even after you've been dumped for cheating.
Stage 1 - Welcoming the Rage: Allowing Your Ex The Right To Be Angry
When your ex finds out you've been unfaithful, their first reaction will be anger. And since you'll be the only person around at the time, all of that anger will be directed at you.
the first step in the healing process
It's very tempting here to try and talk your ex off the ledge. You'll want to reason with them, and you'll want to explain your side of things. You'll try to downplay the affair, or tell your ex how sorry you are.
Now however, is not the time to do any of that. Nothing you can say at this very moment will make your boyfriend or girlfriend feel any better. In fact they'll feel worse, because they'll take anything that comes out of your mouth as you protesting or denying the affair.
No, right now your ex is filled with rage. It's always best to let them get that rage out, or as much of it out as possible, in order to faciliate the later stages of getting them back.
In short, you cannot fix your breakup right now. The only damage control you can do is to keep silent, be sorrowful, and allow your boyfriend or girlfriend the right to be angry.
The worst thing you can do is actually start crying yourself. Your boyfriend or girlfriend is the only person with the right to be angry right now, or so they'll feel that way. By crying, you're attempting to deflect attention in your own direction... and this will only make them even more angry.
So unless your ex is violent or throwing things across the room in your direction, your first move is always the same: silent acknowledgment. Don't try to explain, deny, downplay, or otherwise interfere with your ex's right to be angry. After all, you cheated on them. They need some time to absorb and process what just happened to their relationship.
Stage 2 - The Escape: Making Your Apology and Accepting The Breakup
When things have calmed down sufficently and the brunt of the rage has subsided, it's time to own up to what you did. Here's where you'll make your apology, and you'll want to make it as simple, clean, and above all else, genuine as you possibly can.
"I'm so sorry. There's no excuse for what I did. I knew it was a mistake the moment it happened, and it's something I would never, ever do again."
Right after you've been caught cheating, this is the only type of apology you should be making. It's simple enough that it makes no excuses for what you did. You also didn't say anything like "I feel terrible", because believe me, your ex doesn't care how you feel right now.
The last part of the apology, where you promise never to cheat again, is tremendously important. Your ex may laugh or scoff at this (mostly because they already intend on breaking up with you) but you'll want to include it anyway. Why? Because later on, when your ex is considering taking you back, they'll need to have heard those words from your lips. Your boyfriend or girlfriend will want to believe that your unfaithfulness was a one-time thing, and that you'd never consider cheating on them again.
After apologizing, you'll want to leave right away. The less you say, the better off you'll be. Accept whatever your ex might say, including the fact that they're totally breaking up with you. Don't fight them on it, don't argue with them on it, and don't cry over it... the best thing you can do is just walk away.
Stage 3 - Staying Away: Getting Your Ex To Miss You By Not Being Around
Here's where things get tough, and where most people who've cheated on someone make their biggest mistakes while trying to get them to come back.
Right now, the best thing to do is stay away from your ex. Your boyfriend or girlfriend needs time alone. They need to process what happened and resolve the infidelity in their own mind. This can't happen while you're still around, trying to convince them to take you back.
will eventually drive them crazy
Left alone, your ex will quickly start to miss you. Why? Because they broke up with you in haste. They didn't end the relationship for lack of love or emotional attachment, they ended it quickly and out of necessity because you cheated on them. At the time, it seemed like their only option.
By going away, two big things happen. First, your ex suddenly has to face being alone. It was all well and good to shove you away when the found out you'd been unfaithful, but now your ex has to face the fact that they're no longer going to see you again.
Second, your ex will wonder where you are. Their biggest fear? That maybe, because they rejected you so harshly, you've gone back into the arms of the person you cheated on them with.
This is your ex boyfriend or girlfriend's worst nightmare. If even the smallest part of them wants you back, they do NOT want you continuing whatever affair you started. They'd much rather you hang around, in plain sight, so they can continue venting their anger on you while keeping track of what you're doing.
The longer you steer clear of an ex you cheated on, the more their mind will play tricks on them. The more thoroughly you break all contact, the greater your ex's desire will be to see you. These things will always accelerate the process of getting back with your ex, so make sure you live by them.
Stage 4 - Reconnection: Playing Upon Your Ex's Unresolved Feelings
In most cases, avoiding your ex can only go on for so long. Especially in the case where cheating is involved, your ex boyfriend or girlfriend will invariably call or contact you for some reason or another, mostly so they can find out where you are and what you've been doing.
You can use this important fact to your advantage
When this eventually happens, there are ways to reconnect in a genuinely apologetic way. Again, you don't want to apology a thousand times for what you did... it only encourages your ex to keep beating you up about it. That said, you do owe your boyfriend or girlfriend a more detailed explanation as to what happened to come between you.
In talking to your ex about your infidelity, be courteous and open. Listen to what your ex has to say, and how you made them feel. Don't offer excuses, just nod your head and accept blame. Your ex is trying to rationalize getting back together with you here, so don't give them a reason not to.
If your ex asks for more details about the affair, you need to downplay those details. This doesn't mean you should lie about what you did, but your ex doesn't need to know how many times you did it, or how it went down, or where it happened... you get the idea. The less vivid a picture you paint in your boyfriend or girlfriend's mind, the easier it will be for them to get over your cheating. You never enjoyed it, you always felt guilty, and you couldn't wait for it to be over... these are the things your ex wants to hear.
Remember: cheating breakups are sudden, and your ex pulled the trigger without thinking. The feelings and emotional bonds he or she feels toward you are still intact, and you can play upon these feelings to easily get your ex back. Learn the instant reconnection technique to help facilitate the process of getting your ex to forgive and forget, and get back to trusting you again.
Stage 5 - Rebuilding: How to Wipe the Slate Clean & Regain Your Partner's Trust
In the final stages, you and your ex will want to renew your relationship. But rather than do that, it's easier and cleaner to think of your future as a new romance... one built on all new foundations and on a totally clean slate.
the best chance for a successful relationship
By sweeping aside the mistakes of the past, both you and your ex can get a fresh start. This eliminates residual bitterness and resentment over you being unfaithful, but it also gives your ex a chance to have a clean slate of their own.
Whatever problems existed in your past relationship? Write them down, and hash them out. Do this all at once, and not over the course of several days and weeks. Allow each of you ample time to explain how you feel, without the other person interrupting. Try to resolve long-standing issues, and try to come up with solutions to these problems rather than spending too much time trying to place the blame.
In addressing the major problems of your past relationship (and only the major ones... don't nitpick over every little thing) you can your ex can move forward toward new horizons.
Most important of all, you should both agree to bury whatever happened between you in the rubble of the past, and to only concentrate on going forward. This goes for you as well as your partner
This optimistic viewpoint gives your new relationship the best chance to succeed, and it also draws lines between you and your cheating past that shouldn't be crossed. It happened, you apologized, you decided to work it out... in moving forward, you both should agree to let bygones be bygones.
Finally, there's the issue of TRUST. This is the most important thing to keeping any future relationship alive; gaining back the trust you lost when you cheated on your partner.
For a complete list of ways you can get your ex to trust you after being unfaithful, check out The Magic of Making Up.
This instantly downloadable guide to getting back together contains specialized sections dedicated to cheating, as well as Clean Slate Techniques you need to know before moving forward.
You'll learn how to get your ex to feel safe with you again, even after an affair, and even if they feel they'll never be able to trust you again. Unless you cement the foundation of your new relationship with confidence and credibility, your boyfriend or girlfriend will forever be looking over their shoulder... and this is no way to start off you new relationship together.
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